Page 89



	__________________________________ Page 89 Oh, Shoot! June 26, 2008 _______________________________________________________

I love the Gun Nuts. They are more American than Apple Pie and the rusty bent fender off a '67 Chevy. I grew up with Gun Nuts back in the hills of Central Texas, so I feel I understand them better than the average Joe. And I grew up with a lot of Joes that loved guns -- Joe Bob, Joe Don, Billy Joe, Jacky Joe...

In a landmark ruling today, the Supreme Court voted to affirm the right of every red-necked, er, KIDDING, I mean red-blooded American to own and shoot their own boomstick. Wayne LaPierre, executive vice president of the National Rifle Association, said "I consider this the opening salvo in a step-by-step process of providing relief for law-abiding Americans everywhere that have been deprived of this freedom."

Go get 'em, Wayne!!!! BOOM!!! It's a sign from the Almighty! And now is the time to suggest that the Sweet Sisters of the Guadalupe nominate Yosemite Sam, the original rootin' tootin' shootin' gun icon, for sainthood.

Why do Gun Nuts feel so strongly? Well, mostly they's growed up with the guns. You might as well swipe a testicle as take away their gun (in fact, that would be a hard choice for many of 'em). Where I come from, most are hunters, that special variety of Gun Nut that hangs out with other guys and shoots animals, because that is a sport. Oftentimes beer is involved, lots of beer, which is why the Vice President blew the bejabbers off the hiney of that elderly feller a couple of years back. But see? The consty-tution guarantees Mister Cheney the right to blow that old codger's butt off, so there. See the logic?

You think I'm kidding, but I'm really not -- I do love the Gun Nuts. Me, I've never been much of a hunter myself, although I did receive the mandatory "22" in elementary school, and promptly blasted some varmints (including frogs) to kingdom come. However, in short order I found that, for me, blowing away little critters was not exactly... a fair contest. That "scream and die" part was never appetizing to me, although ironically "so we can eat them" is the common reason given why it's done. I once saw a bumper sticker that said:

Oh yes, yes -- I know some people are very anti-guns, and I know what they teach you in psychology class. They say that people blast guns and plug animals to get in touch with their hunter/gatherer roots -- and that for a select few, it makes 'em feel powerful. I wonder if the NRA's Mister Wayne LaPierre feels big when he shoots his guns? It's just a lil guess, but with a name like "LaPierre," he might - JUST MIGHT - have had his tighties pulled up around his ears a few times in gym class back in the day. Firing a gun would make that ole pain feel a looooot better...

In closing, I raise a toast along with my Gun Nut buddies for their big victory with the Court. Yippee! You're absolutely right, NRA -- you got it all right! ALL guns should be legal -- machine guns, tommy guns, squirrel guns, nail guns, whale guns, howitzers, harpoons, and even cannons. Everybody knows you can't protect yourself from all this crime unless you have your trusty cannon pointed out your front winnder. And they should sell them all in 7-11's and take coupons and green stamps; that would be what the NRA would call "a damn good start." Well, it's your day -- SALOOT, boys! Let me help you carry all this powerful steel out to the front porch! I'll hold yer beer, and you can shoot and shoot and shoot 'em up all night long until the cows come home (and are subsequently plugged). Just remember...

Some my of favorite other Gun Nut bumper stickers...God Love 'em (and God hep' 'em)...

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