Page 8


	Page 8: krs Review: The Da Vinci Code on DVD December 29, 2006

Summary: A mullet-inspired Tom Hanks runs from French Police while babbling about Mary Magdalene

Rating: "A" for the Book, "C+" for the Movie for running a windy hour too long

Best Part: Ian McKellen (LOTR's Gandalf/ X-Men's "Magneto") steals the show as the debonair Holy Grail loon
Worst Part: Creepy Blond Monk Attacks may scare you out of church and off the beach

Hey, I really liked Dan Brown's book The DaVinci Code. It's a great read and a great plot, although the end of the book is a bit of a mess. And I love Leonardo da Vinci -- have his biographies, a giant 50 pound book complete with all his drawings, and his famous drawing Vitruvian Man hangs directly above the Batdesk. Da Vinci, you say? Big fan for years. Who? Da Vinci? I likes 'im! So, I'm gah-gah for the movie, right? Well, close. Very close, but unfortunately, it's more like gag-gag.
First of all, it looks like Tom Hanks' mullet-like hair came shooting out of some time travel gizmo, straight from Jersey circa 1988, and right over to Hank's noggin. Horrible. When you first see his character, you are absolutely SURE that he is either a coach for a low-impact-sport somewhere in northwest Oklahoma, or an escapee from a lounge act somewhere in northeast Oklahoma. Oh, but no. He and his pluffy plume go by the name Dr. Robert Langdon, PhD, and he is a PROFESSOR from no less than Harvard. The University, not the podunk town in Nebraska. Harvard! And he is the "world's foremost expert on Religious Symbols," which you have to admit, is quite an area of specialization. The equivalent in the computer industry would be something like this: "Folks, here is Perfessor Theodore Osgood Snooten-Snittzle, who is THE world's FOREMOST EXPERT on Instant Messenging Emoticons. Perfessor, come over here and show us some of those 1,542 keyboard tricks you know to make a Smiley!" Impressive indeed.
	So, it's the usual plot; you've seen it a hundred times. The curator of the Lourve is fatally shot, so he uses his last minutes to hack a star in his chest and stretch out to mimic da Vinci's Vitruvian Man -- stay with me here -- so that his granddaughter can throw Tom Hank's police tracking device into a dump truck and they can get away to find Mary Magdalene's bones and let the granddaughter discover she's not the curator's granddaughter at all (booo!), but luckily IS the great great great great great great great great great great great great [repeat for about 5 minutes] great granddaughter of Mary Magdalene and Jesus.
Oh, cough your dentures back up, yes, I said of MM and JESUS. Yep, this is the book that raised the Ebenezer of billions if not hundreds of folks who were so incensed at the crazy, crazy notion that Jesus might have been married that they have websites like "davincicodeprotest.com" which debunks every molecule of that devil Dan Brown's pack of lies. These websites usually contain convenient links to their "real truths", such as "www.RealTruth.org". Well, they at least get a Blue Ribbon (the actual ribbon not the beer) in the "Absolutely SURE They Are Right" contest. Might Jesus have been married? GASP. [Insert croaking/fainting sound effect here.] Well, Dan Brown didn't come up with that one; it's been discussed for about 1,900 years, and we don't have any direct evidence either way. Formal tradition says "absolutely single" (there was no "match.com" in those days, especially not for a guy like Jesus -- I mean really, who would have come up as a match anyway?). Well, best to skip the subject entirely, but I will mention against my better judgment that there are many Biblical scholars of many different denominations across the world today who believe that it is at least a (GASP!) possibility -- mind you, just a possibility -- that Jesus was indeed married and think it doesn't make a difference. (If you find yourself making a choking noise now, perform the Heimlich on yourself and remember that the Heimlich itself is a relatively new idea too.) Yes, let's skip the subject entirely and take that tangent later, preferably in the Spring when it's raining, because you just know that is the type of conversation that will end up in a giant mud-pie fight with somebody shootin' a shotgun, especially down here in the South.
	Back to the plot: all of the running and shooting and puzzle solving is about looking for the remains of Mary Magdalene (apparently she kept her last name in this version of the story), and all so this handful of folks who know the "real truth" about Mrs. Jesus can give the Pope indigestion and make people realize how silly those big red tall Cardinal hats look. Okay, I made up that last sentence, but it's not too far off from the actual storyline, and in the words of Dave Barry, I Swear I Am Not Making That Up.
In summary, the first hour and a half of the movie are entertaining and promising. Kathy actually stayed awake for large parts of the first hour and a half, which puts the first part of this movie in the company of the likes of Steel Magnolias and Boo Hoo Kitty, although Code admittedly involved a lot less crying. But the remaining HOUR of Code feels like a long gel-less night at the proctologist, as the story drones on and on with wacky twists and scene flashes that might, possibly might make sense if you read the book. And then they completely MANGLE the last 5 minutes, which if You Were Paying Attention, you know was already a "bit of a MESS" in the original book. What do you get when you Mangle a Mess? Nothing; you actually lose an hour of time you'll never get back. krs says you might enjoy most of the movie, but do yourself a favor and read the entertaining book instead.

krs remains grateful to those literary legends who influenced his theatrical/critical "skills": Dave Barry (the Florida wonder), Joe Bob Briggs (the Drive In Movie Critic of Grapevine, Texas), and John Kelso (Editor-In-Chief, Head Cartoonist, Occasional Columnist, and Senior Rain Sleeve ProtectorWrapper for the Austin American Statesmen).
Return to Captain's Blog

Page 8:

krs Review: The Da Vinci Code on DVD

December 29, 2006

Summary: A mullet-inspired Tom Hanks runs from French Police while babbling about Mary Magdalene

Rating: "A" for the Book, "C+" for the Movie for running a windy hour too long

Best Part: Ian McKellen (LOTR's Gandalf/ X-Men's "Magneto") steals the show as the debonair Holy Grail loon

Worst Part: Creepy Blond Monk Attacks may scare you out of church and off the beach

Hey, I really liked Dan Brown's book The DaVinci Code. It's a great read and a great plot, although the end of the book is a bit of a mess. And I love Leonardo da Vinci -- have his biographies, a giant 50 pound book complete with all his drawings, and his famous drawing Vitruvian Man hangs directly above the Batdesk. Da Vinci, you say? Big fan for years. Who? Da Vinci? I likes 'im! So, I'm gah-gah for the movie, right? Well, close. Very close, but unfortunately, it's more like gag-gag.

First of all, it looks like Tom Hanks' mullet-like hair came shooting out of some time travel gizmo, straight from Jersey circa 1988, and right over to Hank's noggin. Horrible. When you first see his character, you are absolutely SURE that he is either a coach for a low-impact-sport somewhere in northwest Oklahoma, or an escapee from a lounge act somewhere in northeast Oklahoma. Oh, but no. He and his pluffy plume go by the name Dr. Robert Langdon, PhD, and he is a PROFESSOR from no less than Harvard. The University, not the podunk town in Nebraska. Harvard! And he is the "world's foremost expert on Religious Symbols," which you have to admit, is quite an area of specialization. The equivalent in the computer industry would be something like this: "Folks, here is Perfessor Theodore Osgood Snooten-Snittzle, who is THE world's FOREMOST EXPERT on Instant Messenging Emoticons. Perfessor, come over here and show us some of those 1,542 keyboard tricks you know to make a Smiley!" Impressive indeed.

So, it's the usual plot; you've seen it a hundred times. The curator of the Lourve is fatally shot, so he uses his last minutes to hack a star in his chest and stretch out to mimic da Vinci's Vitruvian Man -- stay with me here -- so that his granddaughter can throw Tom Hank's police tracking device into a dump truck and they can get away to find Mary Magdalene's bones and let the granddaughter discover she's not the curator's granddaughter at all (booo!), but luckily *IS* the great great great great great great great great great great great great [repeat for about 5 minutes] great granddaughter of Mary Magdalene and Jesus.

Oh, cough your dentures back up, yes, I said of MM and JESUS. Yep, this is the book that raised the Ebenezer of billions if not hundreds of folks who were so incensed at the crazy, crazy notion that Jesus might have been married that they have websites like "davincicodeprotest.com" which debunks every molecule of that devil Dan Brown's pack of lies. These websites usually contain convenient links to their "real truths", such as "www.RealTruth.org". Well, they at least get a Blue Ribbon (the actual ribbon not the beer) in the "Absolutely *SURE* They Are Right" contest.

Might Jesus have been married? GASP. [Insert croaking/fainting sound effect here.] Well, Dan Brown didn't come up with that one; it's been discussed for about 1,900 years, and we don't have any direct evidence either way. Formal tradition says "absolutely single" (there was no "match.com" in those days, especially not for a guy like Jesus -- I mean really, who would have come up as a match anyway?). Well, best to skip the subject entirely, but I will mention against my better judgment that there are many Biblical scholars of many different denominations across the world today who believe that it is at least a (GASP!) possibility -- mind you, just a possibility -- that Jesus was indeed married and think it doesn't make a difference. (If you find yourself making a choking noise now, perform the Heimlich on yourself and remember that the Heimlich itself is a relatively new idea too.) Yes, let's skip the subject entirely and take that tangent later, preferably in the Spring when it's raining, because you just know that is the type of conversation that will end up in a giant mud-pie fight with somebody shootin' a shotgun, especially down here in the South.

Back to the plot: all of the running and shooting and puzzle solving is about looking for the remains of Mary Magdalene (apparently she kept her last name in this version of the story), and all so this handful of folks who know the "real truth" about Mrs. Jesus can give the Pope indigestion and make people realize how silly those big red tall Cardinal hats look. Okay, I made up that last sentence, but it's not too far off from the actual storyline, and in the words of Dave Barry, I Swear I Am Not Making That Up.

In summary, the first hour and a half of the movie are entertaining and promising. Kathy actually stayed awake for large parts of the first hour and a half, which puts the first part of this movie in the company of the likes of Steel Magnolias and Boo Hoo Kitty, although Code admittedly involved a lot less crying. But the remaining HOUR of Code feels like a long gel-less night at the proctologist, as the story drones on and on with wacky twists and scene flashes that might, possibly might make sense if you read the book. And then they completely MANGLE the last 5 minutes, which if You Were Paying Attention, you know was already a "bit of a MESS" in the original book. What do you get when you Mangle a Mess? Nothing; you actually lose an hour of time you'll never get back.

krs says you might enjoy most of the movie, but do yourself a favor and read the entertaining book instead.

krs remains grateful to those literary legends who influenced his theatrical/critical "skills": Dave Barry (the Florida wonder), Joe Bob Briggs (the Drive In Movie Critic of Grapevine, Texas), and John Kelso (Editor-In-Chief, Head Cartoonist, Occasional Columnist, and Senior Rain Sleeve ProtectorWrapper for the Austin American Statesmen).

Return to Captain's Blog