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Car Talk
September 15, 2006
Guest Post by Prof. Hamilton Holbein
My Dear T,
Thanks for asking for a recommendation for "the perfect car for you." As we all know, there is no perfect car. But I thought I would share some thoughts. Let me say at the outset that I think you'll be fine with any Ford, GM, Mazda, Honda, Acura, Toyota, Lexus, etc product you buy. Now, that's out of the way. Ahem. Let me now comment on style -- or, the LACK of style from bow to stern in today's crowded, confusing car market.
Ford cars: "Hello, Granny called from her casket in the cemetery... she wants her Edsel back!!!" Can you say "product line refreshed every 15 years whether it needs it or not?" The Ford "Crown Victoria" seems to have been designed by the real Queen Victoria. The "Five Hundred" is the most frightening Fogeymobile of all time, and is named for what the trade-in value will be next year. The new Mustang is cool, I must admit. The rest of the cars should be hauled to the wrecking yard immediately to put us all out of their style misery.
But I must mention the Mercury and Lincoln lines... fresh from Marketing, "we decided to target an even OLDER demographic, the incontinent great-grandparent..." PLEASE!!!! If they want to sell more of them, they should add some features that appeal to their buyers -- like seats made out of "Depends" upholstery.
GM cars (outside of Saab, which is GM-owned): Stylistic Terror!. I WOULD RATHER RIDE A MULE OUT OF THE AIRPORT THAN RENT ONE. . I had the HORROR of having exactly one choice, "the new Chevy Malibu," in Saint Louis recently. It was a flimsy, tinny plastic mess that rivaled Matchbox cars for attention to detail. I barely escaped with my dignity, to say nothing of my life.
Chrysler Cars: always have "love it, hate it" designs going. The new 50's style Gangsta cars are GREAT -- IF you're a Gangsta. Somehow, it just doesn't fit you, T. Plus, there is the "And Will Fall Apart in 3 Years Flat" feature. Tick Tock!
Mazda's: Wonderful! Don't forget to pick up a six pack of them, one for your head, one for your torso/genitals (roll down the window if it's a tight fit), and then the remaining four for outer extremities. Mazda: MINI-CAR that makes me want to run for the MINI-BAR. The "6" actually looks like the Hotwheels version of the Acura TL -- and the little hood and doors open, too! As an added bonus, standard equipment includes "crushing metal sound as the tiny thing is smushed like an accordion and you become a human pancake when you back into the curb" feature. Hey Mazda, the public called, they want their life-size cars back.
Honda's: ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzz. More of an insomnia cure than a line of cars. So hopelessly hideously bland and boring, it screams "I sip 7-Up at parties and I said 'damn' once." SO BORING! GET A LIFE, HONDA OWNERS! WEAR A COLORED SHIRT! USE A CROWBAR TO WEDGE OFF YOUR TIGHTY WHITIES AND SLIP YOUR TOE IN A PAIR OF BOXERS! PLEASE listen to your INNER CHILD and run back to Pennsylvania Amish Country to fret about how you used to use that confounded electricity. Strap a HORSE to your Honda, grab the reins, prepare for aaaaacceleration, and git goin'!
Acura: See "ZZZZZZZZZzzzzz, Honda's." Except for the TL, which is an Accord that went to Glamour Shots.
Nissans: AT WAR WITH THE AMERICAN PUBLIC. WHAT the @#$ is this new "ARMOR PLATED" look? The new "Armada" SUV? Contents: 1% plastic, 99% raw military blast-reinforced steel plating to protect you from all grocery store tank commandos. Nissan took the name "Maxima" literally and welded the maximum possible sheet metal they could find to that thing..LOOK at the minivan and the new Maxima, they literally droop on either end!!! Bristling with missiles and anti-artillery rockets, no doubt. One must admit, these vehicles are perfect if you intend to strike a third world county. HELLO, GENERAL POWELL CALLED, HE SAID IT'S TIME TO SURRENDER and drive all your tanks back to Fort Butt Ugly.
Toyota's: great cars that last forever. Do you REALLY want a car that lasts forever? My sister recently put her 210,000th mile on her 1996 Camry. Do you REALLY want a Camry with 210,000 miles?
Lexus: A Toyota with a fancy logo. Very nice, if not quite snooty...and "another martini please... I say, Driver, please set the cruise control for Bloomies and Neimie's with all deliberate speed."
Yes, T, it is a small world of decent choices out there. "Glad I could help..."
