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Page 116
Favorite Prank Memories
Goofy Teeth Disaster
April 25, 2009
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I actually own over a dozen sets of prank teeth, but among them all there is only one set of Goofy Teeth. The originals. The only. The best of the best. I honestly think they may be the finest Goofy Teeth on the planet. I can put 'em on and look like I just fell off the back of the Clampett's turnip truck, fresh outta Squeal-Like-A-Pigville. Goofy Teeth don't don't come out often, but when they do, the kids love 'em. Goofy Teeth and I have had some fun over the years, terrorizing Mrs. Kathryn in the middle of the grocery store and alarming AARP motorists at the gas station -- it's amazing what people do when they spot someone with Goofy Teeth. They are horrified, fascinated, and repulsed, all in one dandy little package. They can't help but look. And believe me, I can't help but stare back at them, intently, grinning like a toothed, backwoods maniac. (Such is life for those like me born with the wickedly humored, uber-mischevious disposition we call in my family, "the Bad Gene.") So some years ago I took them with me to see the Ohio family one summer. We were all meeting over at Mom Bess's house for dinner one late afternoon, when I was scheduled to meet a dear family friend for the first time. |
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This beautiful little old lady was held in the fondest esteem -- people smiled and teared when you even mentioned her saintly name -- and I was assured there was none sweeter. Mom Bess was very excited for me to meet her, and mid-afternoon, the doorbell rang. The old dear had arrived, just to meet me. Jennifer went to get the door. |
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"Hey, do you have those Goofy Teeth in your pocket?" Sister Tracie whispered. I nodded. "Oh, put those on to meet her!" "Nooo no," I replied. "No way. I don't want to scare the poor lady." "She will love it! She is very cool -- she will think it's funny," Tracie said. "No," I said. "Mom would hate it." Tracie grinned -- and nodded. "She'll think it's funny too," she insisted. "Just slip 'em in your mouth and do it! Play it up, now…" Big sisters have a way like that. Cajoling. Suddenly it seemed like the right thing to do. |
Love my Goofy Teeth? Of course -- why wouldn't she? Because after all, she had a full matching set of Goofy Teeth of her own, astoundingly identical to my own, except that hers were permanently attached, courtesy of a very cruel Mother Nature and possibly an overly healthy serving of horse genes. Once, they had been ginormous. Now, they were just huge, cracked, and aged, just like my fake ones. In the eternity of the next second, I had two thoughts. The first was that we knew her teeth were warm, because, as the old joke goes, "they had their yellow coats on." And then my second thought… Betrayed!!!!!!! What happened after that I cannot exactly recall, save for a faint memory of doing my best to inhale Goofy Teeth, nearly swallowing them trying to back them out of the scene, and at the time, that didn't seem like such a bad idea. I somehow finished the greeting, choking, and then hightailed it into the kitchen, where Tracie was making a beeline for the backdoor. "TRACIE!" But my words fell into the afternoon sky as Tracie darted through the yard and disappeared around the garage amidst peals and peals and peals of hysterical laughter. "Tracie Lynn, you will live to regret this day!" I hissed. And she did. But that's another story.
Coming Soon in the "Favorite Prank Memories" Chronicles: "Tracie's Junior League Debacle," or "Revenge is a Dish Best Served Cold, at a Charity Bowling Tournament, in front of dozens of your sisters's friends" |
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(c) 2009, Kirk Scott, Austin, Texas |
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