Page 11

Page 11:

Four Alarm Fondue at the Mayers

January 21, 2007

Chris invited us over for Fondue this past Saturday night, along with buddy-ette Aylin. This was very exciting, but fondue? I've never had fondue, although I knew it involved sauces and rhymed with "goo," which makes a lot of sense. I don't think I even had fondue when I was a kid in the 70's, when it was all the rage. Back then at my house, we just had lots and lots of Frito Lay Bean Dip, a brown "bean-like product" that probably contained no beans at all. But boy oh boy, it was great to dip Fritos in, and also a great way to break your potato chips off and get "bean-like substance" underneath your already questionable fingernails. So from that rich history, I at least knew the "No Double Dipping" part of Fondue International Law, making me think I could pull off fondue at Chris's without any major gaffes.

I did prepare for the meal by fully reading, in their entirety, all 3 introductory paragraphs about fondue on Wikipedia, where I especially noted "Fondue was said to be invented for the purpose of using up old cheese and dry bread."

Here is what I pictured it was going to be like:

As it turned out, it was a lot like that. Especially the fire. Lots and LOTS of fire!!!!

So I had no idea fondue involved so much fire. I am talking about A LOT of fire, I mean, a TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF FIRE, directly on the table, and quite possibly, on everyone and everything. It turns out, Chris is an honorary colonel in the Grand Order of the Crazed Pyromaniacs, so he didn't want to use traditional fondue heating gear. Instead, he went for gasoline infused Sterno housed in an original, custom-built Chris Foil Doodad -- look Mom, it's home-made!

The recollection is a bit...fuzzy...now, but it seems at one point very early in the meal, Chris decided to "adjust the flame" by toodling with his makeshift Foil Doodad. Unfortunately for us (and the house), toodling involved smashing the foil down into the Sterno. Uh, Big Mistake. Foil is apparently Viagra for Sterno, because the next thing we knew, the foil itself was on fire, as was the pot, with the kind of flames you normally associate with a bonfire or perhaps traditional ideas of a "hell." The heat from Pot #1 was so intense, it burnt the O-Rings out of Pot #2, causing a complete Pot #2 engine shut-down --

Here is my computer sketch of the scene.

Luckily, none of this fire stuff stopped us. Fon-due? Can-do! The five of us were so busy shoving our little forks into the cauldrons that we were barely scorched. Aylin lost part of her hair and Kathy lost her blouse, but let me tell ya', those gals can make fondue forks buzz like hornets even when they are engulfed in flames.

Pumpernickel bread! Blanched carrots! Cauliflower! Gawd, how much better that healthy crap tastes when it is absolutely smothered and dripping in flaming, fatty cheesy cheese!

But as we frantically poked the pieces in, a mystery emerged. It didn't make much sense at first, but the more cheese we dipped, the higher the level of cheese in the pot. How could it be?

Finally, the big "ah HAH" moment came: we realized that it was because of our "casualties." That's right, when you're in a fondue frenzy, there are casualties. I myself lost 3 pumpernickel dippers and a burly asparagus spear in the span of 5 minutes. It seemed that they just jumped right off 'me fork and dove head-first to the bottom o the pot. "Hold on, you little buggers," I cried, completely forgetting that these little snacks have not evolved any appendages to hold onto anything yet. Yes, we had lots and lots of casualties, but they went down to their cheesy grave quickly, virtually no suffering, and no amount of poking about could retrieve them from the depths. As casualties mounted, the cheese level grew -- and then suddenly, every little new twirl of cheese had the added benefit of a morsel piece from the cheesy graveyard. I dipped in a piece of white bread and came back up with a body part off a cauliflower. Yummmmie!

At the end of the evening, despite the smoke and charred table, we all declared the fondue dinner quite a success. We also discovered that Pinot Noir is a dandy flame quencher, not to mention thirst quencher. We never really decided, but there was talk of just shoving the pots in the freezer and doing some "graveyard digging" later in the spring. Bon appetit!

(This is a very accurate depiction of the end of our evening... )

Return to Captain's Blog


	Page 11: Four Alarm Fondue at the Mayers January 21, 2007

Chris invited us over for Fondue this past Saturday night, along with buddy-ette Aylin. This was very exciting, but fondue? I've never had fondue, although I knew it involved sauces and rhymed with "goo," which makes a lot of sense. I don't think I even had fondue when I was a kid in the 70's, when it was all the rage. Back then at my house, we just had lots and lots of Frito Lay Bean Dip, a brown "bean-like product" that probably contained no beans at all. But boy oh boy, it was great to dip Fritos in, and also a great way to break your potato chips off and get "bean-like substance" underneath your already questionable fingernails. So from that rich history, I at least knew the "No Double Dipping" part of Fondue International Law, making me think I could pull off fondue at Chris's without any major gaffes. I did prepare for the meal by fully reading, in their entirety, all 3 introductory paragraphs about fondue on Wikipedia, where I especially noted "Fondue was said to be invented for the purpose of using up old cheese and dry bread." Here is what I pictured it was going to be like:
"Fondue Set" (c) 2004 Josh Agle www.shag.com

As it turned out, it was a lot like that. Especially the fire. Lots and LOTS of fire!!!! So I had no idea fondue involved so much fire. I am talking about A LOT of fire, I mean, a TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF FIRE, directly on the table, and quite possibly, on everyone and everything. It turns out, Chris is an honorary colonel in the Grand Order of the Crazed Pyromaniacs, so he didn't want to use traditional fondue heating gear. Instead, he went for gasoline infused Sterno housed in an original, custom-built Chris Foil Doodad -- look Mom, it's home-made! The recollection is a bit...fuzzy...now, but it seems at one point very early in the meal, Chris decided to "adjust the flame" by toodling with his makeshift Foil Doodad. Unfortunately for us (and the house), toodling involved smashing the foil down into the Sterno. Uh, Big Mistake. Foil is apparently *Viagra for Sterno*, because the next thing we knew, the foil itself was on fire, as was the pot, with the kind of flames you normally associate with a bonfire or perhaps traditional ideas of a "hell." The heat from Pot #1 was so intense, it burnt the O-Rings out of Pot #2, causing a complete Pot #2 engine shut-down -- Here is my computer sketch of the scene.



Luckily, none of this fire stuff stopped us. Fon-due? Can-do! The five of us were so busy shoving our little forks into the cauldrons that we were barely scorched. Aylin lost part of her hair and Kathy lost her blouse, but let me tell ya', those gals can make fondue forks buzz like hornets even when they are engulfed in flames. Pumpernickel bread! Blanched carrots! Cauliflower! Gawd, how much better that healthy crap tastes when it is absolutely smothered and dripping in flaming, fatty cheesy cheese! But as we frantically poked the pieces in, a mystery emerged. It didn't make much sense at first, but the more cheese we dipped, the higher the level of cheese in the pot. How could it be? Finally, the big "ah HAH" moment came: we realized that it was because of our "casualties." That's right, when you're in a fondue frenzy, there are casualties. I myself lost 3 pumpernickel dippers and a burly asparagus spear in the span of 5 minutes. It seemed that they just jumped right off 'me fork and dove head-first to the bottom o the pot. "Hold on, you little buggers," I cried, completely forgetting that these little snacks have not evolved any appendages to hold onto anything yet. Yes, we had lots and lots of casualties, but they went down to their cheesy grave quickly, virtually no suffering, and no amount of poking about could retrieve them from the depths. As casualties mounted, the cheese level grew -- and then suddenly, every little new twirl of cheese had the added benefit of a morsel piece from the cheesy graveyard. I dipped in a piece of white bread and came back up with a body part off a cauliflower. Yummmmie!

At the end of the evening, despite the smoke and charred table, we all declared the fondue dinner quite a success. We also discovered that Pinot Noir is a dandy flame quencher, not to mention thirst quencher. We never really decided, but there was talk of just shoving the pots in the freezer and doing some "graveyard digging" later in the spring. Bon appetit! (This is a very accurate depiction of the end of our evening... )

Return to Captain's Blog